|
GAZING PRACTICE WITH A PARTNER
Premise: This practice helps create feelings of intimate connection with your partner, and can eventually lead to sensing
the interplay of "subtle body energies" between two people.
What you'll be doing: You'll both be gazing into each other's eyes, holding the gaze for as long as is comfortable and
pleasurable. Don't talk during this process.
How to do it:
--Ask your partner if she/he will join you in this practice.
--Make sure you will not be interrupted.
--You can have unobtrusive music if you like--nothing too bouncy or distracting.
--This practice works best at night, in candlelight. The candle can be on a small table between you, or off to the side.
Make sure the flame does not obscure your partner's face.
--If you normally have trouble making eye contact with people, plan to do this for just a few minutes at first and increase
the time little by little each time you do it.
--Go into the practice without expectations or judgment, and try to still any mental chatter in your mind. Just notice
what happens. Notice how you are feeling.
--Afterwards, you and your partner can share what you felt and thought.
If you feel like it, you can add a simple breathing exercise to your practice later, perhaps synchronizing breath with
your partner beforehand.
SPOONING
Lay together, one person against the other's back. The person behind should try to match his or her breathing patterns
with the person who is in front. Do this for about five minutes, then switch.
This is a simple, non-threatening way to touch and achieve a few moments of closeness and intimacy. It works with clothes
on or off!
Consider keeping a journal (or online blog) so that you have a record of your explorations and discoveries. Ask your partner
to do the same. If you're keeping written journals, keep them private, but sometimes you both might want to talk about things
you've written.
 |
|
|
Communication Exercise: The Five Love Languages
People on the Asperger's Spectrum are often accused of being unemotional or unable to show their emotions appropriately.
But most neurotypical relationships are also plagued by misunderstandings about how people are demonstrating affection. Gary
Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages, offers five simple categories of affectionate expression:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving and Giving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Chapman, a marriage and family life consultant, says that after the first couple of years of a romantic relationship,
when the new lovers are going all out to please each other, most people tend to revert to the use of their primary "love
language."
For example, if one person expresses his love through giving Gifts, but doing something special together (Quality Time)
is what his partner really craves as an expression of love, those gifts will feel like an empty gesture to the recipient.
Meanwhile the gift giver feels hurt that his partner never picks out anything special or seems to enjoy shopping for him.
He may not understand that all those special outings that his partner keeps talking about are his or her ways of showing and
wanting affection. Get the idea?
Another example: One person's idea of showing love is to always have the house clean and the clothes ironed (Acts of Service).
But his or her partner really likes compliments and needs to hear "I love you" a lot (Words of Affirmation). For
the Word Person, a clean house doesn't mean anything special because there are never any loving words. And for the Acts of
Service Person, hearing "I love you" seems empty without tangible action.
Ask yourself:
How am I most comfortable showing affection?
When I show affection in this way, does my partner seem to understand or "get it?"
Is my way of showing affection what my partner seems to like or enjoy most?
Then ask yourself:
How do I think my partner is showing affection?
Do I understand it?
Is my partner's way of showing affection what I like or enjoy most?
Now have a conversation with your partner about this. See if your ideas match what he or she says. Are your "love
languages" the same or different?
If they are different, how can you both make it easier to understand the ways in which you each show affection?
The goal is for both of you to feel more loved, by improving your understanding of how you communicate. This can be especially
important in helping the AS person understand what is needed in times of crisis or deep emotion, by being able to respond
to his or her partner with reassurance in the way that the partner is most likely to understand.
Gary Chapman's book is available through www.fivelovelanguages.com and other bookstores.
|
|
|