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For People with Asperger's Syndrome
What You Need to Know
About Working With Teachers and Members
of the Tantra Community
What follows is personal and subjective, based on my own experiences as a student outsider looking in. I hope it may be valuable
for you.
First of all, like any other "sub culture," the Tantra community has certain social conventions, ways of behaving,
jargon, and even clothing! For example, men are referred to as "Shivas" or "gods" and women as "Shaktis"
and "goddesses." This can be either unnerving or silly if you're not used to it, but the purpose of this language
is to remind participants that the energies invoked during Tantric practices are subtle energies which link us to something
greater than ourselves, and that these energies can be tapped with often profound and transformative results. This seems to
be our birthright as human beings. Spiritual/sexual technologies like Tantra help to bring this energy forward.
Second, there are many schools of Tantra in this country, and some claim to be more authentic (with regard to Buddhist
and/or Hindu traditions) than others. Some will have a lot more emphasis on sexuality than others. You may hear the term "neo-Tantra"
which refers mostly to the "relationship/sexuality" oriented variety currently in vogue in this country.
TIAS Project draws mostly upon the influences of the "neo-tantra" approach, as our primary focus is an Aspie-friendly
curriculum for intimacy and sexual education that includes creating potential for spiritual and emotional communion between
intimate partners, whether Aspie or neurotypical. But we highly encourage serious reading and exploration in the "authentic"
schools of Tantra. Passionate Enlightenment by Miranda Shaw (Princeton University Press) is a great place to start--a scholarly
and accessible introduction to Tibetan Buddhist Tantra.
If you decide to take a Tantra class, or work privately with a teacher, you are going to have to make sense of the culture
and social conventions as well as learn the material presented in class. You can do some of this in advance by visiting Tantra
websites, getting a sense of who the "players" (main teachers) are, reading some books, looking at "goddess
wear" websites, reading books by several different teachers, and so on. Remember that in this country, great emphasis
is put on "opening" and "expanding" in Tantra classes. You may have to balance this with your own conflicting
desires to retreat or shut down under sensory overload.
Keep a notebook of your observations and impressions. Develop a few social strategies in advance. Try to imagine what
you would feel like and how you would respond if the teacher or a classmate called YOU "Shakti" or asked you to
nibble a strawberry from a stranger's elbow. You may not understand the reasons for these types of things but they can happen
in a Tantra workshop. It is best to be prepared. Think about your current comfort levels with sexual discussion, playful (non-sexual)
touching, sensory stimulation, etc. and be prepared to stretch a little beyond that. But don't violate your necessary limits.
Give some thought to these matters beforehand, and if you have questions about things that might happen in class, ask your
teacher in advance to describe workshop activities.
Remember that Tantra teachers and practioners want you to feel blissful. They want to share what they experience. What
they don't realize is that your concept of bliss and theirs may be radically different, because they are functioning in a
neurotypical manner and you are not. Your most "blissful" and transcendent moments may happen when you're alone,
happily engaged in pursuing your interests. Their most blissful moments may take place in a close contact with an intimate
partner, or in a hot tub full of other blissful Tantrikas.
So what you have to realize is that most Tantra teachers have designed their courses and workshops to perpetuate their
concepts and experiences of bliss, not yours...
Still,
there's something very attractive and compelling about the promise of the open, heartfelt, total acceptance of the Tantra
community and all the talk of "divine energy" and "yummy bliss" among Tantric practioners. Plus, the good Tantra teachers
and Tantrikas really do offer and deliver the goods: proven techniques for connecting with one's own energy body and inner
self, as well as techniques for connecting with a partner, using agreed upon protocols in sacred (safe) space.
Scripted exercises and techniques for intimacy abound in modern Tantric literature, most with easy to follow instructions.
The guidelines are part of what makes Tantra so attractive to so many Aspies -- who want and need help with understanding
and managing the confusing intricacies of social and intimate life. The Tantric books we recommend on this site all have a
variety of things you may try alone, or with your lover. If you and a partner try some of these things, some may work for
you, some may not, but still, you could be pleasantly surprised by at least some of the results.
So let's say you're more pleased than not. And you've done some sub-culture homework and you've thought through some
social strategies for coping with a class. You decide to take the next step and sign up for a class, alone or with a partner.
But whether you know you are Aspie -- or just think you may be Aspie -- or simply share some traits, "self advocacy" is not
something you can afford to forget. I can't emphasize this enough! You must find a way to communicate your sensory issues
and learning needs to your instructor, in advance of the class. If the instructor you've chosen is not receptive to your need
for accommodation, or seems to trivialize your issues, then find another teacher and another class.
You also must plan for ways to take care of yourself during the often intense practices and exercises you might find
at a Tantric workshop or retreat. Remember you are doing "double duty" by trying to make sense of the social atmosphere as
well as the elements of the curriculum!
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TIPS FOR ASPIE SELF-ADVOCACY IN TANTRIC WORKSHOPS & CLASSES
--Know your limits, and write them down. Give a copy to your instructor in advance and let her or him know you may
need some special accommodation, or that you may need to leave the room when you're overstimulated. Ask your teacher about
any previous experience accommodating people with "special needs" in a class. Be prepared to do some educating about Asperger's
Syndrome in general and your needs in particular.
You might also consider giving your instructor a copy of your "social plan" (as discussed earlier on this page) so
that she or he understands your issues, concerns and potential responses and the degree to which you are having to plan for
workshop attendance.
--Ask your instructor about noise levels, music volume, exercises which involve touching or gazing, food, incense,
or anything else which might be disruptive to your need to minimize sensory stimulation.
-- Many group Tantra workshops will have episodes where people are encouraged to release negative feelings, or to
experience orgasmic or near orgasmic feelings. This can be very loud and if this will disrupt your own processes, try to discuss
an alterative way of participating with your teacher.
-- Many group Tantra workshops have episodes where people may end up cuddling on the floor, particularly after a release
session. Responsible teachers will encourage you to maintain whatever space and boundaries you need and you need not feel
pressured into participating if you don't want to. However, try to think about this ahead of time, so you are not surprised.
--If you can afford it, consider booking a private session with your instructor in advance of a group workshop, so
that you have a chance to establish a rapport and get some insight into her or his methods of instruction.
--The practice of Tantra is designed to expand your sense of self and your ability to grow and connect with others.
But remember you have the right to "expand yourself" at your own pace. If you are uncomfortable, slow down, and let your teacher
know that this is something you need. Your teacher should be sensitive to this.
--If there is more than one instructor, see if one of them can be designated as your special "go to" person if something's
not working for you. If there is just one instructor, recognize that she or he is dealing with a large group of people and
may not have time for you at the exact moment you need it.
--If you attend a workshop with a partner, be sure he or she is also briefed on your particular needs and concerns.
Ask your partner to be prepared to help you advocate accommodations, if the situation seems to require help from a third party.
--Don't hesitate to leave the room if you must. You are taking care of yourself. Just try to do it unobtrusively if
others are involved in a meditation or exercise.
--Remember that almost everyone else in the room is used to high levels of social exchange and sensory stimulation,
and that they may not understand that your needs are different.
--Keep a journal of what worked for you and what didn't. Use this to refine your accommodation advocacy in subsquent
workshops.
--There are many schools of Tantra, and many instructors. If one person or school doesn't work for you, another might.
Supporting Sexual Enrichment
for Neurodiverse Lovers
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